We find it difficult to talk about our mental health for many reasons:
What will people think?
Will they judge me?
Will they treat me differently?
We’ve all had the comments from family, friends and colleagues:
“Pull yourself together”
“You don’t look sick!” and
“What have you got to be depressed about?”
Comments like this can send us underground. Too scared to mention that we’re struggling. Scared that we won’t be believed or supported. Scared that nobody understands.
And then there’s the guilt. Feeling guilty for letting others down, feeling guilty for not being able to ‘snap out of it’, feeling guilty for being ill.
If we had the flu or a broken leg, we wouldn’t think twice about sharing it over social media.
We might even add in a selfie or two of us lying on the sofa eating grapes while we convalesce. So, why should our mental health be any different? Nothing will change until we do.
Today is a special day. A day to step up and have the courage to own our story, our journey. Today is a day for us all to stand together and listen to each other, to start the conversation and to fight against the stigma.
One in four of us will experience mental health issues this year. Just think about that for a moment.
So, I’ve chosen today to COME OUT and share my story.
Sharing our stories can help others and it can challenge the stigma. So here it is ……….
Last week I was diagnosed with stress and reoccurring PTSD symptoms.
I’ve been signed off work and have contacted my private clients to let them know what’s going on. Everyone has been so understanding and encouraging me to just focus on getting better and not to think about work.
Looking back, it makes so much sense. I’ve been under a lot of stress for quite some time, but I kept on going, heading for burnout.
I’m exhausted, burnt out and debilitated.
I’ve plummeted head first into the darkness of misery and hopelessness.
Crying is my default setting at present. All the time, I can’t control it. It started about two weeks ago. Anything could trigger it at first: Something I read; something on the tv; kind words from a friend; just a thought in my head.
But now, now it’s like the flood gates have opened and I can’t keep a lid on it at all. Whole days are taken up with tears. It’s constant, it’s so exhausting. I’m so tired, so very very tired. I’m going to bed exhausted and waking up exhausted.
I felt overwhelming guilt for not being able to do my job, overwhelming guilt for letting my clients down and overwhelming shame for not being able to fix myself. When I actually stopped to think about it, I’ve been doing absolutely everything I could possibly think of to sort the problem. I couldn’t have done anymore.
Guess what? Therapists are also human. Life happens and we react to it, just like everyone else. I did the best I could with what I had. And what I had was total overwhelm.
I’m just in total overwhelm at the moment. The symptoms I’m struggling with are so overpowering. I’m scared and jumpy. Hypersensitivity is pants. I’m having to monitor everything that I read or see or watch in case it triggers something. Loud noises are the worst.
What I need?
Right now I need peace and quiet. I need to rest. I’m sleeping as much as I can. Resting and being still and quiet.
I’m needing to be by myself and am finding it so hard to be around people. I’m all peopled out.
Peter is amazing. He understands. He’s been struggling with his own demons for many years. So, he is gentle with me, he makes me feel safe. He’s been encouraging me to get outside everyday. I haven’t managed it yet, but when I do get outside in nature, it has such a calming effect on my whole central nervous system.
I’ve taken to gazing at photos online of beautiful scenic places.
I’m so lucky to have the support around me that I need. Zoë holds my hands and tells me she is proud of me. It helps me to believe that I can get better. I might feel like I’ve fallen into the darkness, but I’ve been here before and I’ve survived.
This is the first time I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, but I recognise the symptoms. They’ve shown up before along my journey through life.
First of all as a teenager, struggling to come to terms with the childhood abuse I suffered and the resulting anger and self hatred. I didn’t ask for help then, I just self medicated with alcohol and drugs and did the best I could. It was only after two suicide attempts that I sought help.
It was then that I discovered how transformational therapy could be and that was the start of my journey to help others.
The symptoms showed up again when I experienced other traumatic times in my life. I took time to self care and stepped back from my therapy work, but I didn’t ask for help. I managed the symptoms myself and after a while, things got better. I felt ‘normal’ again.
This time things are different. I just don’t feel like I can cope on my own.
Everything I’ve tried has brought me to now. I’ve finally asked for help. My doctor is wonderful, understanding and supportive. We are going to tackle this as a team. Firstly we are going to go down the route of therapy and keep medication as a back up plan. Where I stand at present, everything and anything is on the table. Let’s see what works.
What I am finding that helps just now, is writing.
Writing this blog post (although one of the scariest things I’ve ever done) is soothingly therapeutic. Writing in my journal is helping to ease the chaos in my head. There is too much in there to make sense of right now. Putting it all down on paper helps to get rid of a lot of the noise that I was carrying around in there.
Writing a gratitude journal is also helping on a daily basis.
Finding something to be grateful for when my head is so sore and heavy and full and the pain is constant, can be quite a struggle. But I always find something, even if it’s that I’m still here fighting. Fighting to live, fighting to get well again. I just want to get well again.
I don’t know if any of this is making sense.
I just know that I’ve committed to sharing what’s happening for me, with you, in the hope that it helps start a conversation, in the hope that it helps stop the stigma.
I may carry on and share the rest of my journey with you. Just thinking about that is giving me hope.
HOPE is such a powerful word. I’m going to hold on to it with all my might. I know deep inside that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can’t see it just now.
Thank you to all of you who are here reading this and thank you to everyone who is supporting me, I feel it everyday. Even if I can’t find the strength to reply to your kind messages and get well wishes, please know that I appreciate them. I’m overwhelmed with your kindness and it helps to heal.
Much love
The post Plummeting head first into the darkness appeared first on Heather Bestel.
